Superior, Wisconsin- Sept.16, 2009

Two recent studies published in the Journal of Mathematical Sciences forward shocking revelations about the nature of two almost universally-held beliefs. The first assertion holds that 20 is NOT the new 30, and the second, that infinity is a “bogus concept”.

Fashion industry icons and middle-aged men and women alike have been among the strongest supporters behind the “30 is the new 20” and lesser-accepted “40 is the new 30” theories. On the heels of the popularization of the “new” concepts, women well into typical middle age have been confidently donning mid-thigh-length skirts and rejecting multiple wardrobe applications of elastic bands. Men have begun complaining less about old football injuries and young pedestrians crossing the sidewalk onto their fertilized lawns.

That’s all about to change, says Nicholas Marks, a Superior, Wisconsin native and co-author of the study and fellow of the Mathing Institute.

“If the early results are to be believed, and we have every indication that these results are sound, then conventional knowledge will have to embrace the idea that 30 is still 30, and, parallel to that, 40 is still 40, give or take about 7 to 8 months.”

The implications for the fashion and fiber-supplement industries have yet to be contemplated.

The September issue of the journal also features a review of a study undertaken in Switzerland which presents evidence indicating that numbers are not infinite.

“This idea that numbers are infinite is so broadly accepted,” said Dr. Magnus Von Robinson, an author of the study, “but it’s patently untrue. I have seen the largest number, and it is huge. You can’t even begin to imagine how huge this number is. It far exceeds most people’s comprehension. But numbers are not infinite.”

Von Robinson indicated that he has already submitted a request for the patent of a ruler that measures, in centimeters, up to this “largest number”.

“The ruler will be very long and feature a likeness of Miley Cyrus, star of Disney’s  ‘Hannah Montana’,” Robinson stated.

Customers will be able to purchase the ruler at walmart.com starting in July of 2010. A spokesperson for the discount behemoth indicated that the item will retail for “about five kajillion dollars.”