Minnesota Legislature to Redefine “Education”

St. Paul, MN, Nov. 4,2009

Faced with monumental revenue shortfalls and mounting criticism of expenditures, the Minnesota House of Representatives voted to eliminate traditional educational facilities, in favor of creating large movie houses to screen outdated filmstrips and PBS specials.

“There’s this broad misconception that education has to happen in a traditional classroom, with textbooks and tests. We’ve challenged that notion, and we’re turning the tables on the status quo,” stated newly-appointed education Czar Marcia Walker.

Walker indicated that nine out of ten suburban parents support stationing children in front of “educational programming” for hours at a time, rather than employing conventional educational techniques of talking to and engaging with children.

“I think it’s a great idea,” said parent Alan Dewey, “but I’d also like to suggest that students should be able to submit assignments via text message. I mean, really, what more do you need to say than can be said in abbreviated, 160-character form?”

Opponents of the reforms suggested that education-by-media is a questionable pursuit. 

“Kids spend enough time in front of the television. We don’t need to run every bit of information they take in through this same medium," said detractor Connie Lewis.

“Does my daughter know who the president of Canada is?” countered Dewey, “No. But she has Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s wedding vows memorized. That’s learning, and it’s a testament to the great teaching capacity of DirecTV.”

The governor has threatened to veto the legislation if it doesn’t include verbiage to recognize Food Network as a viable equivalent to a traditional Home Economics course-- specifically, Sandra Lee's show "Semi Homemade Cooking." Pawlenty remarked that

"We're not going to raise a generation of young people who can't create a thematically clever and effective tablescape. Not while I'm governor."