H1N1 Sufferer Wreaks Havoc At Supermarket

Duluth, MN - Nov.24

Police responded to a call from local mall-area grocery store officials at 6:17 pm, on Nov. 23, of a woman licking items throughout the store in a reported attempt to infect patrons with the Swine Flu.
 
The woman, Diane Carlson, had recently been diagnosed with H1N1 and was reportedly irate at having been denied the vaccine due to the widespread lack of doses. Carlson was subsequently informed that since she was suffering mild symptoms and did not meet high-risk criteria, she was not a candidate for anti-flu treatments.
 
Employees of the store estimated that Carlson licked approximately 35 packages of hard cheese, along with an undetermined number of bakery items and numerous bags of peg candy, before she was restrained. Potentially tainted items were removed from store shelves immediately.
 
One shopper who witnessed the incident described Carlson’s behavior:
 “She was just frantically tearing stuff off the shelves and licking it, intermittently shouting about about how she was going to force-feed bacon to her pharmacist and officials of the Purel company."
 
Carlson was treated at SMDC for friction burns to her tongue, and is currently being held at the St. Louis County Jail until a hearing can be scheduled.

On a related note, the CDC assured members of the public still waiting anxiously for H1N1 vaccine that as soon as ninety-percent of the population has already been stricken with the flu, there will be enough vaccine to provide doses to everyone who still wants one.